“Frito! Stop it!”

“Some people just aren’t going to change!”  I slammed my handbag on the table and went to my empty fridge wondering how long that bottle of wine had been sitting in there.  At this point, I’m pretty sure it would make a better salad dressing than beverage.

“I let the job get me allllllll spun up today.  I know I’m not doing anything fun tonight DESPITE the lengthy discussion yesterday scheduling something.  I owe BerBer fifty effing dollars because she told me so-and-so would copy my idea and guess what?  It happened.” I hope she takes a check. “Typical.  Why did I bet BerBer?  And…And…I broke down and ate french fries at lunch so me getting up early this morning and running three miles was a big fat waste of time.  Did you hear me?  Big…fat…waste…of…time.”

I spit the wine in the sink.  It did taste like vinegar.

“And you know what else?  I’m sick of spending money on allllll this therapy trying to make alllllll these changes.  I’m not really changing.  I’m still miserable with the same routine.  I’m sick of hearing about how everyone else is going to make allllll these changes.  People stay the same.  No one makes changes.  You know why?  Change sucks.  I’m done!  Did you hear me?  I’m…done…”

I threw the empty wine bottle in the recycling bin.  Ok. Maybe I have made a few changes.  The old me would have thrown it in the trash can and said “Screw the environment.  I heart landfills.”

They sat there staring up at me.  It isn’t like I expected them to give me any moral support.  At this point in the day, they just wanted me to grab their leashes and take them outside to pee.

I have two dogs: a smart one and a dumb one.  I call them Frito Lay and Jolly Rancher.  Clearly their names are a sign of my never ending unhealthy obsession with food. Jolly is the dumb one.  But I cut him some slack.  He is only five pounds and his brain is probably the size of an acorn.  I’m pretty impressed when he can make it an entire day without falling into the toilet.  Frito, on the other hand, is a genius dog. He has quite a personality.  He’s moody.  He knows when to hide under the bed.  He knows to get excited when I ask if he is “hungee hungee hungee.”  He sits.  He speaks.  He sings on demand.  But the time has long passed for me to teach him any new tricks or break any of his current behavior.  Despite my belief that he is the smartest dog in the world, when I try to teach him something new or scold him for something rude, like snatching my panties out of the clothes hamper, he just gives me a blank stare….rolls over on his back….and licks himself.

Several months ago I started a quest to be a more holistic, well rounded, open-to-change individual. I don’t know if it was the bumper sticker that read “Be the change you wish to see in the world” or the fact that I noticed how many times a day I say outloud “Stop it!” to my ridiculous antics, but something got me revved up to make some serious changes.  I want to stop my yo-yo dieting.  I want to stop fearing my own shadow.  I want to stop being a bitch in relationships.  I want to stop overcommitting and under-producing. I want to stop overanalyzing.  I want to stop other people’s idiotic actions from ruining my day.  I want to stop eating random meat sandwiches from street vendors.  I want to stop waking up at 2:00 a.m. and wondering if I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse.  I want to stop biting my nails.  Come on. That’s gross.

But none of that is coming easy and after days like today I wonder if people really can change.  I can want it.  Other people can want it.  But is it possible?  The question becomes –  are we like old dogs?  Is it possible for us to learn something new or make changes?  Or when the time comes, are we just always going to give blank stares, roll on our backs, and lick our own balls?

Why are we worrying so much about change anyway?  What is putting this change in motion?  Is it the fact we wake up, look in the mirror and realize what we are doing is stupid?  Hello Stupid.  Why are you so stupid?  Is someone else motivating our change?  This situation would be a whole lot better if you’d just make some changes.  Are we motivating someone else’s change? Jerkface – this situation would be a whole lot better if you’d just make some changes. Is change for good?  For evil?  For something else to bitch about?  Why am I the only one making all these changes?  Are we not changing because it is too difficult?  Or are we just too lazy?  Do we even want to change?  If we really really really wanted to, wouldn’t we just do it?  Just do it…stupid…just do it.

Because I’m constantly experimenting with the human brain, I put the theory to a test.  Is it possible to “just do it” when it comes to change.

For years I’ve said that I’m dying my hair dark.  I’ve been blonde for a very long time.  But the routine is always the same.  “I’m going to the spa this evening to do something with my hair.  I think I’ll go dark.” Anytime I say it, people just roll their eyes.  You can only “cry wolf” so many times.

This time I jumped up in the chair, looked at the stylist and said, “Today is the day I stop licking my balls.  Do it.”

She looked at me, pulled on her gloves and said, “I’m scared.”

Then it hit me.  Maybe we’re scared.  Heck, I know I’m scared.  We are all scared to make changes.  We are scared to sacrifice that security blanket of our habits and routines because it’s comfy.  Everyone likes comfy.  If it takes twenty-one days to form a habit, how long does it take to get rid of years of a flawed personality trait or an obsession or a freak-show and somehow make it comfy?

I’m hating the process of making changes almost as much as I’m hating the dark hair.  But I’m learning that maybe it is just time to start doing it.  It’s time to throw out the security blanket that I’ve been dragging around and just change.

What is the worst thing that could happen?  I won’t be blonde or comfy…that’s what.

To be continued…

Love, Heidi

xoxo