I’ll Take “Paralysis by Analysis” for $1000, Alex!

Sometimes I wonder what people are doing at 3:00 o’clock in the morning.  Sleeping?  Bathroom break?  Snack?  Saying “no” while their partner is cozying up next to them?  For me, 3:00 o’clock in the morning is when I hear that never ending ticking in my brain.  I’m pretty sure that crazy dude in Tell-Tale Heart has nothing on me.  Phbbtt!  The ticking is my alarm saying, “Wake up, H! Let’s worry about something.”  Hurray!  I…can’t…wait…to get all worked up over nothing.  Fun!

Last fall someone talked me into going with them to see a psychic.   She was hoping for insight.  What she needed was a reality check.  I could have told her some things for free, but I digress. 

“The cards are telling me that you have your own psychic powers.  I’m feeling a lot of energy coming from your brain.”  Yes, you do.  That’s me wondering how you are affording this spot in Georgetown and wondering if I should clean my bathroom tonight or wait until tomorrow morning. I swear I saw something growing on the tile this morning.

I’m pretty sure my twenty dollars would have been better spent buying a ticket at the carnival to see the donkey with the two heads.  I was very disappointed when I didn’t see a crystal ball. 

Psychic?  No.  What I am is an expert at taking any subject and analyzing it to death and then analyzing it some more in case I missed anything during the first few hours of thinking about it.  The domino effect in my brain usually starts with one thing and ends up with my own demise.  This morning, it went a little something like this….

“I hope Manfriend doesn’t forget that he said he’ll pick me up for work in the morning.  I need to get to work early.  What if he forgets?  I have to get to work early and finish those teaming agreements.  I bet he forgets.  What if the partners back out of the teaming agreements?  They gave me a weird look yesterday.  Then who is going to help write the proposal?  If we don’t have someone to help write the proposal, the boss is going to be very mad.  What if he gets so mad, I lose my job?  If I lose my job, how will I buy food for the dogs?  If the dogs don’t have food, they’ll be taken by dog-protective-services.  If the dogs are taken, I’ll be so sad.  If I’m so sad, I won’t be energized to find a new job.  If I don’t find a new job, I might end up homeless.  If I end up homeless, I won’t be able to survive.  I couldn’t even survive one year of Girl Scouts!  Wonder why I never got that scout badge for building that birdhouse.  Dad did a good job on that birdhouse.  I will probably end up homeless in a bad part of town.  Then someone will probably stab me for my grocery cart and I’ll be dead.” 

Usually this is when I play cellphone roulette.  I find a number and send a text.  “I feel anxious 😦”  None of you jerks ever text me back.  My shrink swears there is medicine for this.  However, anytime she prescribes something, I always read the label about the side effects, and then I worry I’ll end up dead.

Eventually, reasoning makes an appearance.  The dogs will never go hungry.  Mom would never let that happen. 

Then it leaves.  I didn’t give her grandkids…just granddogs.  Wonder if she’s mad about that?

No wonder I’m always exhausted. 

By the way, Manfriend forgot to pick me up for work this morning.   Maybe I am psychic.

Love,

Heidi

xoxo